Now that the mid-term elections are over I've decided to come out of my foxhole. I'm telling you guys, from what I could see looking over this mound of dirt ...it's been BRUTAL out there.
I'll just go on and say what we're all thinking.
Some of you people are bat shit crazy.
Thank GOD we've got social media to sort all this out. If it wasn't for the internet, I wouldn't have an opinion.
Why couldn't we have been adopted by someone with a decent Wi-Fi network?
According to all of you I'm a blank slate (and BTW how did you get copies of my high school report cards? Damn you Edward Snowden!). Thank you from the bottom of my ignorant heart, for telling me HOW to vote...WHEN to vote...WHO to vote for...and most importantly, WHICH of the candidates were baby-killing Satanists.
THAT was a HUGE help.
We have two years until the next BIG political dustup, so Ima gonna save you some valuable time for the next time around.
Hell to the NO...I'll do you one better. Ima gonna save you time every effin' day. A lot of you post tons of horseshit interesting information on Twitter, Facebook, Linked In and Instagram that I don't need to know.
So, as a PUBLIC SERVICE, I'll give you 5 TOPICS YOU CAN STOP posting on social media right now.
Trust me - nobody cares what you think about...
Since everybody knows that Facebook is the generic word for SOCIAL MEDIA (like in Texas where every carbonated beverage is a "Coke" as in, "We only have Pepsi Coke, will that Coke be OK?) here are some handy tips that'll keep you from wasting time talking about crap that NOBODY cares about. And of course, by NOBODY, I mean ME.
5 Rules for Facebook
Trust me - nobody cares what you think about:
Momma always said, "Stupid is as stupid does..."
I know you're disappointed/elated/suicidal/moving to Europe because of the election results. Believe me, it's not MY fault you won or lost. You know why? I won't tell you. And you know why I won't tell you? I voted using the SECRET BALLOT. What part of SECRET are you people having a hard time understanding?
We've checked our files and YOU are definitely not on the list...
OK, I get it. YOU'RE going to HEAVEN and I'm going to HELL. You'll always pray more, praise more, pledge more, and sacrifice more animals/virgins/delicious Taco Bell Gordita Crunch-Wrap Supremes than me. Congratulations! Contest over. You WIN. Worried about my tortured soul? Don't be. I've got two words for you: SILENT PRAYER. It's a great concept. Try it on for size and see if it fits.
Funny...these things sold like hotcakes at our last in-home demonstration
3. Multi-Level Marketing
I'm sure your juicer/kitchen gadget/drink mix/jewelry/weight loss formula is the best thing to hit America since Vitameatavegamin. I'm also sure that if your product was as wonderful as you say it is I could buy it without enduring a 45-minute in-home demonstration or attending a conference. Why? Because it'd be available online or in a real store. What you're in is called a "cult". Look it up. These don't usually end well.
I always lose when I play Frog Vs Monkey...maybe if I bought him a digital knife?
Online games - like Vegas - are designed to make the people on the other side of the table/screen/bar money. Are you on the other side of the table/screen/bar? Didn't think so. Guess what? You lose! Thanks for playing, please give us your credit card and spin again.
This is Me and Velma at Maw-Maw's Memorial Service
I am truly sorry/happy you have diarrhea/constipation/shingles or that your son/daughter/wife/husband/spinster aunt just won the Grand Prize in the Guess How Many Jellybeans Are In The Jar Contest. You want to brag about it? OK, here's the deal. Put it in your 5-page Christmas Letter. I won't read that either.
Now, if y'all will excuse me, I've got to post this on Facebook.