Charlotte and I have been redoing the Ranch House now for about a year. It's a definite work in progress, but she's done a great job decorating on a budget and we've even hung curtains without filing divorce papers.
So, it's all good.
The biggest challenge we've faced has been letting the various critters in our neck o' the woods know that we're here and we mean bidness. They're welcome to share our little slice of Cranfills Gap paradise so long as they obey The 5 Critter Commandments.
The 5 Critter Commandments
1. Thou shalt not scare the shit out of me by jumping out of the darkness
2. Thou art not welcome in my house - EVER
3. Thou knows that even if I look cute and cartoon-like, I may be killed if I break commandments #1, #2 and especially #4
4. Thou shalt not frighten Charlotte
5. Thou knows that if thou art a SNAKE and there is a weapon handy - shotgun, rock, hoe, rocket-propelled grenade launcher - thou will die a very unpleasant death accompanied by the sound of something resembling a three-year-old girl screaming
I'll take a pair of boots, belt and a nice handbag for Charlotte, please
The Commandments are non-negotiable, so I was more than a little happy to get a phone call the other day that went something like this:
Caller: "Mr. Hill, I'm (name redacted to protect the innocent) I was wondering if you'd let me come on to your place and do some rattlesnake huntin'"
Me: "You want to do WHAT?"
Caller: "Snakes. I'd like to come on your place with a couple of my friends and hunt rattlesnakes."
Me: "This some kind of a ranch joke?"
Caller: "Nope, we like huntin' rattlesnakes. Took over 100 last year and I think we might get some on your place, if you'll let us."
Samuel L. Jackson and I share the same thoughts about snakes
Since the person whom we shall now call THE RATTLESNAKE WHISPERER was checking every box (except #3) on The 5 Critter Commandments, I agreed. I also told him we didn't subscribe to a "catch & release" program for the snakes and that we "weren't responsible for any accidents."
"I'm not interested in any snake rehabilitation program," I told the rattlesnake whisperer. "Terminate them with extreme prejudice" (I'd heard that once in a movie and it sounded really badass.)
"Just to be clear," I said, "Samuel L. Jackson and I share the same thoughts about snakes (Clip NSFW (language)."
I didn't think he'd find anything, because, well, I just DIDN'T.
I was wrong.
In a couple of hours he wrangled eight of these creatures straight from Hell.
Charlotte, who once wore sandals on top of Charlotte Mountain, has forsaken fashion for a pair of snake boots (Kinky, amirite?). She also wants me to look into the cost of mounting a 50 cal. Machine Gun and Flame Thrower to the front grill of the Jeep.
Oh, and one more thing.
"Call the Rattlesnake Whisperer and tell him something for me," Charlotte said.
"Tell him he can hunt snakes on our place any time."
"That sounds like a good plan," I said.
But, until he's gotten rid of every single one, I'm gonna stick with hanging drapes.