So Dionne Warwick calls me just after Christmas to give me the news. "Bob," she says, "Would you like to know what's going to happen in 2010?"
"Would I?!" I eagerly replied.
"Well, would you?" she answered in a snippy tone. Dionne has never understood the proper use of the rhetorical question, so I am patient with her. I continued.
"Yes, great visionary of the Psychic Friends Network and aunt of former-crack head Whitney Houston, tell me what we can expect in 2010 so I can share it with all my Baby Boomer friends on the Internets."
Here's what she told me.
By year's end, we'll be watching, American Mad Men, So, You Think You Can Curb Your Enthusiasm...
The Boomer Brief Psychic Friends Network 2010 Predictions
Tiger Woods
Tiger will stay off the PGA Tour for all of 2010 causing the Tour to alter its rulebook. The rule, "Play it as it lays," will be replaced with this new rule: Observe the 7th and 10th Commandments and you're good to go.
Hollywood
In its continuing struggle to create new movies out of old unsuccessful TV shows, it will produce major motion pictures featuring big name talent. We'll see, Lancelot Link; Secret Chimp, starring Burt Reynolds; My Mother the Car, with Rosie ODonnell; Bonanza starring Donald Trump as Pa, John Goodman as Hoss and Adam Sandler as Little Joe. Last but not least, we'll see Gilligan's Island, with Simon Cowell as the Professor.
The Internet
Facebook merges with MySpace and Google to become the first-ever social search engine. Now you can find even more people that you barely know and ignore them all you want. This new venture will be called GoogleMyFace and it will have a market cap of $38 Billion.
Economy
Will still suck. Sorry, I tried to get more info out of her, but Dionne had to take a call from her dealer broker.
Washington
We will get healthcare reform in 2010, but it will make everyone sick. H1N1 will disappear, but the Center for Disease Control will make it mandatory for everyone in America to get an STD vaccination. This will be commonly referred to as the "Tiger Shot".
Spike
Our beloved canine Spike will celebrate his 100th birthday with Willard Scott on The Today Show.
Television
New shows will be mash-ups of other successful shows. By year's end, we'll be watching, American Mad Men, So You Think You Can Curb Your Enthusiasm, Gray's Community College Office and of course the ever popular, America's Funniest Two and a Half Men.
Gadgets
Steve Jobs will scrap the IPhone for something called the I'mDone. It's a new device that will return humans to face-to-face conversation. It'll be the size of a postage stamp and you'll attach it to your key chain. No more calling. No more Wi-Fi. Just One touch and you'll be instantly transported anywhere in the world so you can speak one-on-one with anybody (so long as they're one of your GoogleMyFace friends).
That's all Dionne had time to tell me before she ran out of minutes on her disposable cell phone. I asked her if we'd talk again and she snapped, "I'm done!"
I don't think she was really mad at me. She was telepathically telling me to get in on that new Steve Jobs IPO.