You know your summer is probably gonna SUCK when the only thing on your highlight reel is a bureaucrat smiling and saying, I'M FROM THE GOVERNMENT AND I'M HERE TO HELP YOU.
As we say in Texas...Yeah, buddy...
Well, that's what the summer's been like for anyone impacted by the British Petroleum Oil Spill. You remember that don't you? That little environmental faux pas that dumped, I dunno, a HALF BILLION barrels of oil in the Gulf of Mexico. Yeah, that one.
Early in the summer, all you had to do to file a BP damages claim was call a toll-free number - get a claim number - then get that Egyptian guy from the History Channel to hunt through your attic until he found the Ark of the Covenant submit some documentation showing how much you were owed.
BP would then take your made-up number, divide it by Pi, subtract the combined ages of your elderly parents and deduct how much you lost on your last trip to the Beau Rivage Hotel and Casino in Biloxi, MS.
If you're my friend Jayboy, you probably didn't get squat. Me? I was lucky. I got exactly squat. Who Hoo!
Then, on Aug. 23 our greasy friends at BP turned all the claims over to the government to make the payments FASTER and more EFFICIENT. Wanna guess how that's working out? Now the bureaucracy is like dealing with an illegitimate love child spawned by a drunken three-way between the DMV, Veteran's Administration and Post Office.
Want proof? I've just received my NEW claim form that looks suspiciously like an IRS bulletin and is 27 PAGES LONG. Whew! For a minute there I thought they'd make this hard.
I'm saving the best part for last (in journalism school this is what they call burying the lead).
I spoke to my BP claims adjuster just before he paddled off into the toxic sunset and was replaced by the DMVVAPO (DMV-VA-Post Office bureaucrat). He told me the Real Cause of all the trouble along the Gulf Coast really isn't the Oil Spill. Nooooooooooo. It's the MEDIA. The MEDIA is to blame for all the economic problems.
Don't believe me? Take a look.
Gotta tell you, I like the BP guy's optimism. I may just use it to help him some day.
In my dreams I get a call from this guy and he's whining he can't get a job because the MEDIA has convinced folks that the people who worked in the BP Claims Office were incompetent.
You know what uplifting words I'll give him?
"Well, hopefully that'll change."