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Don't Try This At Home

It's Not Easy Being Greasy

By Bob on September 13, 2010 6:00 AM

Thanks BP-300.jpg

You know your summer is probably gonna SUCK when the only thing on your highlight reel is a bureaucrat smiling and saying, I'M FROM THE GOVERNMENT AND I'M HERE TO HELP YOU.

 

As we say in Texas...Yeah, buddy...

 

Well, that's what the summer's been like for anyone impacted by the British Petroleum Oil Spill. You remember that don't you? That little environmental faux pas that dumped, I dunno, a HALF BILLION barrels of oil in the Gulf of Mexico. Yeah, that one.

 

Early in the summer, all you had to do to file a BP damages claim was call a toll-free number - get a claim number - then get that Egyptian guy from the History Channel to hunt through your attic until he found the Ark of the Covenant submit some documentation showing how much you were owed.

 


The bureaucracy is like dealing with an illegitimate love child spawned by a drunken three-way between the DMV, Veteran's Administration and Post Office.      


BP would then take your made-up number, divide it by Pi, subtract the combined ages of your elderly parents and deduct how much you lost on your last trip to the Beau Rivage Hotel and Casino in Biloxi, MS.

 

If you're my friend Jayboy, you probably didn't get squat. Me? I was lucky. I got exactly squat. Who Hoo!

 

Then, on Aug. 23 our greasy friends at BP turned all the claims over to the government to make the payments FASTER and more EFFICIENT. Wanna guess how that's working out? Now the bureaucracy is like dealing with an illegitimate love child spawned by a drunken three-way between the DMV, Veteran's Administration and Post Office.  

 

Want proof? I've just received my NEW claim form that looks suspiciously like an IRS bulletin and is 27 PAGES LONG. Whew! For a minute there I thought they'd make this hard.

 

I'm saving the best part for last (in journalism school this is what they call burying the lead).

 

I spoke to my BP claims adjuster just before he paddled off into the toxic sunset and was replaced by the DMVVAPO (DMV-VA-Post Office bureaucrat). He told me the Real Cause of all the trouble along the Gulf Coast really isn't the Oil Spill. Nooooooooooo. It's the MEDIA. The MEDIA is to blame for all the economic problems.

 

Don't believe me? Take a look.

 

 

 

Gotta tell you, I like the BP guy's optimism. I may just use it to help him some day.

 

In my dreams I get a call from this guy and he's whining he can't get a job because the MEDIA has convinced folks that the people who worked in the BP Claims Office were incompetent.

 

You know what uplifting words I'll give him?

 

"Well, hopefully that'll change."

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Diabetes-Friendly Chicken Burrito Bowl

ChickenBurritoBowlEverydayDiabetes 600.jpg

By Laura Cipullo and Lisa Mikus, authors of Everyday Diabetes Meals
Image credit: Colin Erricson

Prepare your own Mexican quick fix with this Chipotle-inspired bowl. Carbs are moderated by filling the bowl with beans, extra veggies and chicken. No need for rice, since the beans count as carbs.

Tips:

If you love tomatoes, increase the quantity to 1/2 cup, but note that the carbohydrates will also increase.

If preparing this recipe for one person, cut all of the ingredients in half. Or simply prepare the full recipe up to the end of step 2 and store leftover chicken and vegetable-bean mixture in separate airtight containers in the refrigerator for up to 2 days. Reheat in the microwave on High for 1 to 2 minutes, or until heated through, and continue with step 3.

Health Bite: The iron, calcium, magnesium, manganese, copper and zinc in black beans help to keep bones strong and healthy.

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Windy City

It's been almost 18 years since Alison Krauss gave us a solo album, but the wait is over with Windy City. The release (her fifth solo studio album) features ten covers of classic songs (and some bonus tracks) she picked with producer Buddy Cannon.

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