Don't Try This At Home

Hot Offer - UPDATE!

By Bob on February 14, 2011 6:49 AM

Is somebody trying to tell me something, internets?

 

Last night I return home to Blogger Mansion and open the mailbox to find this...

 

Either all the funeral homes in Grapevine-Colleyville have suddenly become faithful followers of The Brief (and if you have, then why aren't you advertising?) or they've put out a HIT on me.

 

Quick question, Bluebonnet Hills and Neptune Society marketing geniuses - if ol' Bob hops up on your hot plate, who do you think will write this crap brilliantly funny discourse on the world condition.

 

For those of you keeping score at home, here's (as Paul Harvey used to say) the rest of the story...

 

Yesterday evening I bring in the mail and like most people, I begin sorting it as I walk back to the blogger mansion. In with the usual crap, is an invitation-sized envelope with an offer no Baby Boomer could refuse.

 

This was no Publisher's Clearing House deal. No. This was something much bigger.

 

It was an offer for a FREE PRE-PAID CREMATION.

 

I know what you're thinking internets. So, what's the BDD (big damn deal), Bob? You're middle-aged right? Think it's 'bout time you started looking at your options? And free? You effin kiddin' me? FREE!?

 

Before you get all, don't-look-a-free-pre-paid-cremation-in-the-mouth, let's just clear something up right now. I don't dislike cremations. It's just that I don't want one TOMORROW. Middle-aged jokes aside (and I'm not really middle-aged, unless my life expectancy is 110) this s*** is creepy. 

 

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How does this deal work? Do I go in the back and lay down, or do you hit me in the head with a mallet...?

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Unless you're Goldman Sachs, business sucks for everybody these days. But, I gotta ask. Does the marketing brain trust at the Neptune Society in Fort Worth think they'll get a lot of suckers customers with this sweet offer?

 

Lemme get this straight. I take them up on their "hot" deal and it goes down something like this:

 

A middle-aged Blogger walks into the Neptune Society offices on Airport Freeway in Ft. Worth (sounds like the setup to a dirty joke doesn't it?).

 

Middle-Aged Blogger: Hello, I'm here for my Free Pre-Paid Cremation.

 

Cremation Guy: Huh?

 

Middle-Aged Blogger: You know...this (shows tear-stained envelope with "Free Pre-Paid Cremation" clearly stamped on the front).

 

Cremation Guy: Well sir, you see it's not really fr..

 

Middle-Aged Blogger: So, how does this deal work? Do I go in the back and lay down, or do you hit me in the head with a mallet...?

 

Cremation Guy: Sir, let me explain...

 

Middle-Aged Blogger: Urns...guess I should pick out an urn first, right? Can't do that after you crank up that furnace, now can I?

 

Cremation Guy: We...you see...

 

Middle-Aged Blogger: Oh, what the hell, you just pick out something nice and toss 'em in there when you're done. Ok, champ?

 

Cremation Guy: We don't...

 

Middle-Aged Blogger: Guess you'll want me to take off my clothes first, right? No need in burning up this fine Wal-Mart apparel in the ol' hot box, eh?

 

Cremation Guy: Sir, please STOP TAKING OFF YOUR CLOTHES...

 

Middle-Aged Blogger: Oooooh it IS chilly in here. Think you could turn up the heat? You've got plenty of that around here, right (winks)? Guess it's better if I get nekkid back by the ol' furnace. If you'll just show me the way...

 

Now you know how I wound up standing nekkid in a parking lot on Airport Freeway.

 

And Charlotte thinks I never use coupons....!

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