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Don't Try This At Home

EEEKKKK!

By Bob on August 1, 2011 6:08 AM

We're remodeling Blogger HQ to take in some attic space and create a new home office. We've hired our favorite contractors Doug and Christine to tackle this job and basically turn our lives upside down for the next two months. Join us as we find out if remodelers and home owners can peacefully coexist and/or discover if it's OK to hide a body in a construction dumpster.   

 

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Day 91

I'm starting to figure out this whole remodel deal. Remember Darwin's Theory of Evolution where he reveals that J. Fred Muggs is really our daddy? Well, I've come up with the THEORY OF REMODELING. Never heard of it? What'd you do that day we discussed it...cut class and play Frisbee golf? Ok, try and keep up 'cause it's only three steps:

 

BOB'S THEORY OF REMODELING

 

1. A guy in a flatbed truck drops off his "lumber package" (that's what she said!). If you're a lucky homeowner, he will do his level best to keep his "package" from totaling your garage as it slides off the truck. 

 

Gene Tyler during taping of HGTV's Donna Decorates Dallas

 

2. Your hot water turns cold and you replace both water heaters.
Oh yeah, don't forget this important part of the theory, YOUR DRINKING WATER TURNS BLACK
.

 

3. YOU WIND UP ON HGTV.

That EEEKKKKK (rhymes with SHRIEK) sound you heard is Charlotte jumping up and down after getting a text from the HGTV show host telling her we've been "picked" for a new reality series. What's up with that? As Moses told the children of Israel after coming down the mountain, "Here's the deal, y'all" (in my head Moses is southern and sounds a lot like Burl Ives in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.)

 

It all began innocently enough. Shelley Tyler told Charlotte a local designer was looking for projects for an upcoming show on HGTV called Donna Decorates Dallas. She said it'd be focused on homes in the Dallas area - they're really interested in Collywood - and they start filming in a few weeks.

 

EEEKKKK!

 


 

Before I could summon my inner Nate Berkus and say "Dahling, do these drapes match the duvet?" I was talking to a producer and film crew from HG-freakin-T-freakin-V

 


Before I could summon my inner Nate Berkus and say something designy like, "Dahling, do these drapes match the duvet?" I was talking to a producer and film crew from HG-freakin-T-freakin-V in my Collywood, Texas living room.

 

EEEKKKK!

 

Charlotte was electric for our SCREEN TEST. There, I said it. SCREEN. TEST. They loved her.

 

Me? I mumbled incoherently and fetched bottled water for anybody who looked parched. All I can tell you is that sparks flew and MAGIC happened. A few weeks later Donna Moss, HGTV Design Star finalist and host of Donna Decorates Dallas, told Charlotte we were IN the show with a "B" story.

 

A "B" story means we're the flank steak on the great side o' beef that is reality TV. A thinner, yet succulent slice of design television. Chew on that.

 

Shelley and Gene are the reality TV prime rib...filet mignon...porterhouse. Their design project is an "A" story. I don't know much about it, except their story maybe involves blowing up Gene's saltwater aquarium which is pretty big. I think James Cameron may have used it to film part of Titanic.

 

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Shelley being taped for a segment of HGTV's Donna Decorates Dallas

 

 

So...where does this leave our remodeling project?

 

Somewhere between "A" and "B" until the cameras roll.

 

And contractor Doug?

 

Probably shopping a pilot for his show.

 


 

Donna Decorates Dallas Premieres Monday, August 8, at 10 p.m. ET/PT on HGTV

When Dallas homeowners feel the need to bling out their lavish houses, they count on former HGTV Design Star finalist Donna Moss to bring the glitz. During this new design series, HGTV will follow Donna and her daughters Tiffany and Ashley, as they bring dramatic designs to Dallas. (The episode where Charlotte will probably go "Eeekkkk" will air later in the season and you know I'll tell you when to tune in.)


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