Don't Try This At Home

The Squeal Deal

By Bob on October 18, 2011 6:03 AM

The Shinning-300.jpg

Fall lasts for about a day in Texas.


We go from, this-metal-lawn-chair-is-searing-my-ass -- to watching icy pickup crashes on LBJ Freeway -- and then back to butt-blistering heat -- in the span of, I dunno, about two months. Give or take.


So when Charlotte decided we should do our fall landscaping on the day fall actually arrived, I jumped at the chance.


Which is saying something, because those of you who know me, know I DON'T JUMP.

Not Bob 


Since Linda and Debbie had been over earlier to decorate the back deck, I knew I was in for some low-impact landscaping. Move a plant here. Put these mums there. Done in time to see TCU put another one in the win column. Easy deal.




I was moving a couple of potted plants to the front porch. All I had to do was pull out the lantana - and plop in the plant that looked pretty in that Southern Living story about fall landscaping.


Pull one out. Put one in (insert mildly inappropriate joke HERE). Something even I couldn't screw up. I mean, c'mon, there were no ladders involved.


Since they don't allow you to shoot firearms in Collywood I had to resort to other measures.     

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So I reached down to pull out the plant from the container and there it is - a coiled snake.


This wasn't just any snake. Noooo, this was a brown, copperhead-looking snake.


HOLY S***!


I dropped the pot and backed up faster than Indiana Jones in that temple scene.


Snake B.C. (before chopping) 


The only problem was I didn't have my freakin' BULLWHIP. Since they don't allow you to shoot firearms in Collywood I had to resort to other measures to defend my home.


You guessed it.


I went to the garage. Got my hoe. And chopped it into about a dozen bite-sized pieces. But of course, by the time I had hoe in hand (insert other mildly inappropriate joke Here) I was pretty jazzed up. Think Jack Nicholson in The Shinning.


You would've thought I was digging an irrigation ditch with my hoe. I CHOPPED and Chopped and chopped until I got tired of chopping. Poor snake probably woke up in Heaven before he realized he was dead.


This of course provided me with the opportunity all guys secretly L O V E. I got to show Charlotte my snake (insert final, mildly inappropriate joke Here).


Charlotte didn't quite give me a, "My Hero," but I was proud of myself. By the time she made it to the front yard, I had stopped squealing like a four-year-old girl. I mean, a guy's got to have some dignity.


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Guest Room

Diabetes-Friendly Chicken Burrito Bowl

ChickenBurritoBowlEverydayDiabetes 600.jpg

By Laura Cipullo and Lisa Mikus, authors of Everyday Diabetes Meals
Image credit: Colin Erricson

Prepare your own Mexican quick fix with this Chipotle-inspired bowl. Carbs are moderated by filling the bowl with beans, extra veggies and chicken. No need for rice, since the beans count as carbs.


If you love tomatoes, increase the quantity to 1/2 cup, but note that the carbohydrates will also increase.

If preparing this recipe for one person, cut all of the ingredients in half. Or simply prepare the full recipe up to the end of step 2 and store leftover chicken and vegetable-bean mixture in separate airtight containers in the refrigerator for up to 2 days. Reheat in the microwave on High for 1 to 2 minutes, or until heated through, and continue with step 3.

Health Bite: The iron, calcium, magnesium, manganese, copper and zinc in black beans help to keep bones strong and healthy.

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Windy City

It's been almost 18 years since Alison Krauss gave us a solo album, but the wait is over with Windy City. The release (her fifth solo studio album) features ten covers of classic songs (and some bonus tracks) she picked with producer Buddy Cannon.

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