Don't Try This At Home

The Squeal Deal

By Bob on October 18, 2011 6:03 AM

The Shinning-300.jpg

Fall lasts for about a day in Texas.


We go from, this-metal-lawn-chair-is-searing-my-ass -- to watching icy pickup crashes on LBJ Freeway -- and then back to butt-blistering heat -- in the span of, I dunno, about two months. Give or take.


So when Charlotte decided we should do our fall landscaping on the day fall actually arrived, I jumped at the chance.


Which is saying something, because those of you who know me, know I DON'T JUMP.

Not Bob 


Since Linda and Debbie had been over earlier to decorate the back deck, I knew I was in for some low-impact landscaping. Move a plant here. Put these mums there. Done in time to see TCU put another one in the win column. Easy deal.




I was moving a couple of potted plants to the front porch. All I had to do was pull out the lantana - and plop in the plant that looked pretty in that Southern Living story about fall landscaping.


Pull one out. Put one in (insert mildly inappropriate joke HERE). Something even I couldn't screw up. I mean, c'mon, there were no ladders involved.


Since they don't allow you to shoot firearms in Collywood I had to resort to other measures.     

Dead Snake-300.jpg

So I reached down to pull out the plant from the container and there it is - a coiled snake.


This wasn't just any snake. Noooo, this was a brown, copperhead-looking snake.


HOLY S***!


I dropped the pot and backed up faster than Indiana Jones in that temple scene.


Snake B.C. (before chopping) 


The only problem was I didn't have my freakin' BULLWHIP. Since they don't allow you to shoot firearms in Collywood I had to resort to other measures to defend my home.


You guessed it.


I went to the garage. Got my hoe. And chopped it into about a dozen bite-sized pieces. But of course, by the time I had hoe in hand (insert other mildly inappropriate joke Here) I was pretty jazzed up. Think Jack Nicholson in The Shinning.


You would've thought I was digging an irrigation ditch with my hoe. I CHOPPED and Chopped and chopped until I got tired of chopping. Poor snake probably woke up in Heaven before he realized he was dead.


This of course provided me with the opportunity all guys secretly L O V E. I got to show Charlotte my snake (insert final, mildly inappropriate joke Here).


Charlotte didn't quite give me a, "My Hero," but I was proud of myself. By the time she made it to the front yard, I had stopped squealing like a four-year-old girl. I mean, a guy's got to have some dignity.


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Bob's been battling bruises. He mashed his hand really good while moving our dryer (ouch!). So like a good little wife, I googled natural ways to help heal his hurts.

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In the mood for a quirky comedy? Netflix' favorite female odd couple, Grace & Frankie, returns to the streaming service March 24th. For those of you who haven't discovered the quirky Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin series it may be one for your watch list.

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