It's finally turning cold in Texas.
The time of year when we go from running our air conditioners 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to 24 hours a day - every other day. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...............60 degrees.
So that's why we decided to turn on the fireplace for the first time this year. Like most urban pioneers, we gave up actually having a "real" fire years ago. The smoke, the ashes, the wood. It was never worth the hassle. Fireplaces, at least for us, are matters of convenience. You flip a switch and PRESTO you have INSTANT
Boomers, lemme 'splain.
It's cold (OK, cold for Texas) and Charlotte wants a fire. I FLIP THE SWITCH and NOTHING happens. Not even a spark to ward off the wintery blast of sub-60 degree temperatures. I flip it again. Nothing. Again. NOTHING.
Pretty soon I get the hint. This baby ain't gonna light no matter what I do. It's been 40-odd years since my Boy Scout days, so I pass on the opportunity to break out my flint and steel and call the fireplace repairman instead. He tells me he can come out in about a week.
"A WEEK?" I think to myself, "It'll be 90 degrees by the time he shows up." This is after all, TEXAS.
HGTV ALERT!
The Donna Decorates Dallas Episode Featuring Charlotte's New Office
Airs 9:30 p.m. (CST) This Saturday (Nov. 5).
A week goes by. The Texas temperatures climb from the upper 50s to the mid-80s. Cold for a couple of days and then back to semi-tropical. We're used to it.
Finally, the day arrives for the fireplace repairman to appear. Surprise of surprises, it's one of those days in the upper 50s. Charlotte is ready for her fireplace. Me? I'm just ready for fireplace guy to come out so I can FLIP THE SWITCH, scratch my stomach and mutter "
Fireplace guy shows up with a tool box, an aluminum clipboard holding a ready-made invoice and a working knowledge of how these things actually work. I possess none of these things, other than the ability to pay for what he's about to do. Makes us about even.
Unlike me, he asks questions before starting work.
"Have you checked the breaker box?" he asks. "Yep," I reply. His questions continue for about five minutes with me answering "Yep" to every one. I'm more than just a little smug at this point, because I figure I've stumped him. "No stupid homeowner here," I think to myself. "I've run all the dianostics a seasoned fireplace fixer can do and it still won't work."
Before I can break out the fixings for S'mores,
he apologizes one more time.
That's when he takes the cover off the control panel that houses the pilot light. Standing in awe of his mechanical ability, I can only marvel at what he does next.
Fireplace guy bends down into a squatting postion and opens his larger-than-mine tool box. He pauses, then carefully selects the proper tool. At this point, I'm thinking I'd go with a five iron. But no, fireplace guy is a little too smart for such an obvious move. He chooses a 3/8" crescent wrench.
He rocks back on his heels to make sure his body weight is carefully balanced. Then, with the precision of a surgeon, he eyes the fireplace operating field one last time.
Taking the 3/8" crescent wrench in his right hand, he raises it about an inch above the control panel and SMACKS IT WITH THE WRENCH.
Whoosh!
The fireplace ignites and suddenly we have a roaring 21st Century fire to gather around.
Fireplace guy puts the 3/8" crescent back in the tool box and latches it shut. He looks at me and explains in an apologetic tone, "Yeah, sometimes the mechanism gets stuck and it needs a little SMACK." Before I can break out the fixings for s'mores, he apologizes one more time.
"I feel a little silly charging you for this," he says. "But, it's company policy and I did have to make a service call." I consider asking why someone didn't suggest I PERFORM THIS DELICATE MANUEVER before sending out a truck, tool box and a bonafide fireplace fixer, but I decide not to throw water on his fire.
As I bask in the glow of my suburban fireplace, I hear another sound I recognize. It's the air conditioner coming on because the house is too warm.
I love fall.
Note: Thanks to my friend and neighbor Danny Myers for helping me remember this story. In addition to being a good guy, Danny is the brains behind Myers Pest Control - the best bug company in the Dallas-Fort Worth area.