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Don't Try This At Home

4 Rules of Holiday Gatherings

By Bob on December 13, 2012 2:34 AM

The holiday season forces us to do a lot of things we don't do the other 11 months of the year. You know, important stuff, like putting on pants remembering which fork to use with the cheese dip. Just the niceties that keep our civilization one step ahead of our mouth-breathing, cave-dwelling ancestors.

 

No offense to our mouth-breathing cave-dwelling demographic, but you get my drift.  

 

Boomer Nation, let's just belly up to the ol' Yule Log and fess up. Some of this holiday stuff is damn hard. Especially when we have to be polite to people we only see...I dunno...maybe ONE TIME A YEAR.

 

It can be tough to keep that polite, how-are-the-wife-and-kids-how-'bout-this-crazy-weather, kinda chatter going during the course of a morning, afternoon or evening. It's even harder as we get older and either (1) FORGET which conversation topics are off-limits, or (2) Our good friend Mr. Cuervo has flipped off our conversation filter and made it impossible for us to give a shi*.

 

Christmas Etiquette-600.jpg 

You, my friends are in serious need of a Holiday Cheat Sheet. Something you can put in your pocket to keep you out of trouble, out of jail and out of the emergency room. As a Public Service to every Boomer celebration this holiday season, I offer up my 4 Rules of Holiday Gatherings:

 

 


 

Bob, this is bad advice. The holidays are all ABOUT the KIDS.

4 Rules of Holiday Gatherings

 

1. Avoid These 3 Questions.
You'll see a lot of people you barely know this time of year. Since you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMMON with these people, you'll run out of bullshi* in approximately 5 seconds. When you DO run out of bullshi*, do NOT ask these questions in a lame attempt to keep the conversation going:

 

a) Ever get that Meth Lab up and running?

b) You still having to register as a Sex Offender?

c) Did the casino drop the charges?

 

Instead, do what I do - drop something on the floor - apologize - then walk off to find a napkin, mop or your car keys.

 

2. Be the First Person in the Buffet Line.
Some think it's rude to throw a body block into an elderly person just to get five one of the six cocktail shrimp the hostess has put out. I say it's survival of the fittest party guest. Do you think you evolved from your mouth-breathing, cave-dwelling ancestors (sorry again, guys) by eating what's left of the cold green bean casserole? Hell to the NO. The other guests (remember, it'll be a year before you see them again) will forget all about this by next year. Grab the cocktail sauce and Enjoy!    

 

3. Keep Away from the Kids.

You're already thinking, "Bob, this is bad advice. The holidays are all ABOUT the KIDS." To that I answer, "How would you like to spend the holidays in the hospital? That sound good to you?" Little children are disease-laden germ sponges carrying the latest mutant virus from school or daycare. They should be avoided at all costs.

 

You can smile, wave and make funny faces from across the room and everyone will think you LOVE kids. Just don't pick 'em up. Instead, point them to the dessert table (that'll keep them out of the Buffet Line (see Tip #2). Their parents will bust that up pronto and there will be plenty of desserts left for you, because you were FIRST IN THE BUFFET LINE.

 

Just remember, everybody brings desserts to the holiday gathering, but in 58 years of these shindigs I've never seen anyone carry in a shrimp platter. 'Nuff said.

 

4. DON'T be like "Billy". The video explains it all. 

 

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If preparing this recipe for one person, cut all of the ingredients in half. Or simply prepare the full recipe up to the end of step 2 and store leftover chicken and vegetable-bean mixture in separate airtight containers in the refrigerator for up to 2 days. Reheat in the microwave on High for 1 to 2 minutes, or until heated through, and continue with step 3.

Health Bite: The iron, calcium, magnesium, manganese, copper and zinc in black beans help to keep bones strong and healthy.

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