I try to keep my fingers on the pulse of all that's going on in the world so I can keep you guys informed. But here lately it's been pretty damned exhausting. Why? Our reader millions of readers may ask.
We live near Dallas, so it's a full time job just keeping Ebola from swallowing us whole, or talking to a reporter from CNN.
You ever try and outrun Anderson Cooper?
That sumbitch is fast. And his hair is always perfect.
For the longest time, I thought all we had to fear were Iranian NUKES and our neighborhood CHUPACABRA (we call him Chuck, but he'll chew through cast iron when he hears any human sound). I'm coming clean with this admission: I WAS SO NOT RIGHT (I'm still having a hard time saying I was wrong). There's plenty to keep you awake at night, even if I was way off on my short list of dangerous things.
So...as a public service, I'll give you 5 reasons to feel happy right now.
1. You're Not Here
Chances are you didn't roll over this morning and see this sign out your window. CONGRATULATIONS! It's going to be a great day!
2. These Are NOT Your Neighbors
I did have neighbors like this in college (yes, that was young me in the Edgewood Mobile Home Park) but the carnival left town and the carnies went with it. My neighbors today don't even have an oil well.
3. Children Can't Get a Concealed Handgun License
What's worse than a four-year-old throwing a tantrum? A four-year-old throwing a tantrum with fully loaded 9mm! If that doesn't make you happy, then you're just not trying.
4. Better Call Saul Will Air in February
Admit it, you've been a little down since Breaking Bad ended. Cheer Up! AMC's coming back with the Breaking Bad spin off - Better Call Saul in February. And you know what else? Junior Brown sings the title track.
5. Every Week Ends Like This
Try as hard as you can and every week will still have a WTF in it. So roll with it and realize the odds are stacked against you. Just be thankful you didn't wake up in hell. Or Pisa.