This marks the fifth time I've gone out on a limb and made my predictions for a New Year. Wanna guess how many I've gotten right? I'm 0-20 in the guesstimate department (although I did come pretty close with that Zombie Apocalypse prediction back in '12) but I digress.
You've been warned 'murica.
I'll go on and apologize for 2014 not turning out as I predicted. Hey, I'm just as bummed as you are that we didn't get that Amazon Drone Delivery system, but Jeff Bezos has assured me it'll happen by 2016 **fingers crossed**.
You have to admit that you're happy 2014 didn't suck as bad as I forecast. I mean, nobody really wanted a sequel to Carrie Underwood's live Sound of Music - oh wait, I forgot. WE GOT ONE and it SUCKED even worse. (Sorry Carrie, but Allison Williams' drag version of Peter Pan was even worse than your live TV special). Some things even I can't predict.
As I stand here on top of my secret lair (it's really just a closed Shell station outside of Euless, but I call it a "lair" because "Closed-Shell-Station-Outside-Of-Euless" doesn't sound nearly as sinister), I'm vaguely hopeful about 2015. Call me a cockeyed optimist (and I'll ask you why you're making fun of my eyes, you bigot) but for the first time in a long time I think we've got a shot at a decent year.
Of course, I'm 0-20 in the prediction dept. so I'd stock up on ammo just in case.
The Sony computer hack will continue with more revelations that will blow. Your. Mind. Turns out that every Johnny Depp movie in the last decade has been the result of a malicious prank perpetrated by a 12-year-old boy. The films were never supposed to be made, but little Jimmy Dale Wilson of Clarkdale, MS hacked into the Sony mainframe and gave the green light to almost $1 billion in production spending. Undeterred by this revelation, Sony will announce plans to begin shooting Pirates of the Caribbean 8: The Next-To-Final Chapter in June.
2. Politics
Former Texas Governor Rick Perry will announce his run for the White House at a Fuzzy's Taco Shack in Grand Prairie. It won't be the "official" announcement (that'll come in June at a Dickey's BBQ in Watauga). No, he'll just bite into an extra spicy taco as a reporter asks if he's running - and his, "I DELCARE!" will be misinterpreted. This will make New Jersey Governor Chris Christie drop out of the race and give Hillary Clinton material for countless campaign commercials.
3. Sports
Ray Rice will find an NFL team that will take him - but not as a player. In February, the Cleveland Browns will hire him to keep Johnny Football from shooting his mouth off. If Johnny Manziel even looks like he's going to say something stupid (Hint: it's whenever he opens his mouth), it'll be POW! Right in the kisser. They'll agree at a news conference in December that hiring Rice was the best decision they made all year.
4. Celebrities
In September, Joan Rivers will be reanimated and appear as a Zombie commenter on Fashion Police. Instead of asking, "Who are you wearing?", reanimated Joan will launch the new catchphrase, "Give me a hand - no seriously, I mean it," when various body parts fall off during interviews.
5. Food
In-N-Out Burger will debut a new item on its Secret Menu. Ask for the #4 and you'll get a quadruple-cheeseburger with supersized fries, a family-sized bottle of Tums and a free angioplasty (in participating locations). If you can't remember to ask for the #4, just tell 'em you want the Lipitor Special - it's the same thing.
That's all I've got for predictions, so I'm heading back to the lair (OK, the abandoned Shell Station in Euless) for the duration of the year.
Until we meet again, remember the rule: "If the Shell Station is a rockin', don't come a knockin'."
Related
Take A Pea aka What to Expect in 2013
The Cloudy Crystal Ball Predictions for 2012