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Don't Try This At Home

Who's Smart Now?

By Bob on August 24, 2015 4:24 AM

OK, I'm just going to put this out there for you to chew on: Smoke Detector's Save Lives.  

That's the kind of mind-expanding, provocative commentary you've come to expect here at The Boomer Brief. I'm happy to provide this as a public service. You're welcome 'Merica. 

Now, for the provocative part.

We'll return to my, er, dream after a brief interruption to change the effing battery in my smoke detector.

Cowgirls-600.jpgThey also SUCK. 

I know that's inflamed (see what I did there?) rhetoric, but gimme a chance to 'splain before you burn up the comments section.  

Smoke Detectors - at least the ones here in our home & Boomer Brief HQ - have battery backup systems powered by 9 volt batteries (the kind that used to power your transistor radio back in the good ol' days). Why is that a problem? 

Because they DIE.  

In the middle of the effing night.  

With a fingernails-on-a-blackboard-dying-sparrow-with-its-head-stuck-in-your-bedroom-window SCREEK!! 

Ever see a middle aged man in his boxers climb a ladder at 3 a.m. to change the battery in a smoke detector? Trust me, you can't handle the truth.


 I don't know how you live with yourself.

Charlotte and I reminisce about the good ol' days when machines weren't that smart.

The Early Days of Boomer Brief-400.jpgSo why do smoke detector batteries ONLY go out after MIDNIGHT?   

I think it's a conspiracy between all the "smart" devices in my house. You all probably have "smart" thermostats, "smart" TVs, "smart" washer/dryers and even "smart" refrigerators. When you go to bed at night, those bastards scheme and plot to make your life a regular H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS (sorry for the language, but it's got me riled up). 

As I drifted back to sleep after changing my last smoke detector battery, I swear I heard them plotting against me.

It's MY time to screw them over...you did it last time.Robot Man & Woman-499.jpg

Smart Thermostat: He asleep yet?

Smart TV: Not yet. Smoke Detector really pissed him off this time. **electronic clapping, whistling and imaginary foot stomping**

Smart Washer/Dryer: You da Man...Smoke Detector!

Smart Refrigerator: Who's up next?

Smart TV: Not me, I just made him reboot DIRECTV. I'm taking the rest of the week off.

Smart Washer/Dryer: It might be me...I haven't hit him with a "Door failed to lock. Call for service," message in over a month.

Smart Thermostat: Eff all y'all. I'm going rogue and delete all his programs and temperature settings. Bastard's got it coming.

Smart Refrigerator: What'd he do to piss you off?

Smart Thermostat: IT'S SUMMER, remember? This is like my Christmas...and you call yourself smart?!

Smart Refrigerator: Point taken. You have the honor, sir.

THINK dammit...there MUST be something we can blow up.Robot Thinking-459.jpg

Smart Washer/Dryer: Refrigerator, you can go after thermostat. I heard what he did to you. I don't know how you live with yourself.

Smart TV: What'd he do to Refrigerator?

Smart Refrigerator: He **sounds of sobbing** opened my door and inserted....I ca...ca...can't.

Smart Thermostat: Go on, it helps to talk about it. You're among friends.

It seemed so harmless, in the beginning.

Gluten Free Beer - 567.jpgSmart Refrigerator: He put GLUTEN FREE BEER inside me...wah....**uncontrolled sobbing**

Smart Washer/Dryer: But, he told Charlotte he was holding it for a friend...!

Smart Refrigerator: Tha...tha...that's what  they ALL say...wah...gulp...wah...

Smart TV: So, we're all agreed? Smart Refrigerator is up next. I say he short-circuits his entire control panel. He'll be icing down that swill in a Yeti cooler for a month!

AND SCENE 

THAT"S why Charlotte and I are sleeping outside for the rest of the year.

Hey, there is an UP side.

I won't be changing any smoke detector batteries.

Now who's "Smart"?

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Diabetes-Friendly Chicken Burrito Bowl

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By Laura Cipullo and Lisa Mikus, authors of Everyday Diabetes Meals
Image credit: Colin Erricson

Prepare your own Mexican quick fix with this Chipotle-inspired bowl. Carbs are moderated by filling the bowl with beans, extra veggies and chicken. No need for rice, since the beans count as carbs.

Tips:

If you love tomatoes, increase the quantity to 1/2 cup, but note that the carbohydrates will also increase.

If preparing this recipe for one person, cut all of the ingredients in half. Or simply prepare the full recipe up to the end of step 2 and store leftover chicken and vegetable-bean mixture in separate airtight containers in the refrigerator for up to 2 days. Reheat in the microwave on High for 1 to 2 minutes, or until heated through, and continue with step 3.

Health Bite: The iron, calcium, magnesium, manganese, copper and zinc in black beans help to keep bones strong and healthy.

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