That's the kind of mind-expanding, provocative commentary you've come to expect here at The Boomer Brief. I'm happy to provide this as a public service. You're welcome 'Merica.
Now, for the provocative part.
I know that's inflamed (see what I did there?) rhetoric, but gimme a chance to 'splain before you burn up the comments section.
Smoke Detectors - at least the ones here in our home & Boomer Brief HQ - have battery backup systems powered by 9 volt batteries (the kind that used to power your transistor radio back in the good ol' days). Why is that a problem?
Because they DIE.
In the middle of the effing night.
With a fingernails-on-a-blackboard-dying-sparrow-with-its-head-stuck-in-your-bedroom-window SCREEK!!
Ever see a middle aged man in his boxers climb a ladder at 3 a.m. to change the battery in a smoke detector? Trust me, you can't handle the truth.
So why do smoke detector batteries ONLY go out after MIDNIGHT?
I think it's a conspiracy between all the "smart" devices in my house. You all probably have "smart" thermostats, "smart" TVs, "smart" washer/dryers and even "smart" refrigerators. When you go to bed at night, those bastards scheme and plot to make your life a regular H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS (sorry for the language, but it's got me riled up).
As I drifted back to sleep after changing my last smoke detector battery, I swear I heard them plotting against me.
Smart Thermostat: He asleep yet?
Smart TV: Not yet. Smoke Detector really pissed him off this time. **electronic clapping, whistling and imaginary foot stomping**
Smart Washer/Dryer: You da Man...Smoke Detector!
Smart Refrigerator: Who's up next?
Smart TV: Not me, I just made him reboot DIRECTV. I'm taking the rest of the week off.
Smart Washer/Dryer: It might be me...I haven't hit him with a "Door failed to lock. Call for service," message in over a month.
Smart Thermostat: Eff all y'all. I'm going rogue and delete all his programs and temperature settings. Bastard's got it coming.
Smart Refrigerator: What'd he do to piss you off?
Smart Thermostat: IT'S SUMMER, remember? This is like my Christmas...and you call yourself smart?!
Smart Refrigerator: Point taken. You have the honor, sir.
Smart Washer/Dryer: Refrigerator, you can go after thermostat. I heard what he did to you. I don't know how you live with yourself.
Smart TV: What'd he do to Refrigerator?
Smart Refrigerator: He **sounds of sobbing** opened my door and inserted....I ca...ca...can't.
Smart Thermostat: Go on, it helps to talk about it. You're among friends.
Smart Washer/Dryer: But, he told Charlotte he was holding it for a friend...!
Smart Refrigerator: Tha...tha...that's what they ALL say...wah...gulp...wah...
Smart TV: So, we're all agreed? Smart Refrigerator is up next. I say he short-circuits his entire control panel. He'll be icing down that swill in a Yeti cooler for a month!
THAT"S why Charlotte and I are sleeping outside for the rest of the year.
Hey, there is an UP side.
I won't be changing any smoke detector batteries.
Now who's "Smart"?