Don't Try This At Home

4 Things This Election Has Taught Me

By Bob on November 7, 2016 3:59 AM

I don't 'bout you, but I'll be deliriously happy when this election cycle is over.

You know what I mean internets, we've been gnawing this campaign bone for almost two years...and there's barely enough left to make a decent prison shank. And from the look of things we're gonna need it.

We consulted our expert panel and they agree, we're pretty much F*&#$D.

Here's the problem. Some of you see our candidates as half-guilty, while I see them as half-innocent. Call me a cockeyed optimist (and I'll remind you that my glasses are on backorder and I won't be cockeyed when they arrive) but, everybody running for office is deeply and eternally flawed.

Both Hillary and Donald have their faults.

Before you think this is one of those Rodney King-why-can't-we-all-get-along stories, lemme stop you right there. It's not.

If there's one thing this election has taught me, it's that there's no way in H-E-double-hockey sticks we can agree on anything in this country.

I don't know about you Velma, but I blame it all on the schools.

If the entire USA was on FIRE some of you would blame Global Warming. Others would say it was because we've taken prayer out of the schools. I'm guessing plenty of you would deny the fire even exists - calling it a rigged conflagration.

Pretty soon this country would be full of ash holes.  

Wait...how would that be different? 

Glad you asked.

 

 Go back to the cat videos

4 Things This Election Has Taught Me 

1. Stupidity is a Renewable Resource
I know that everything on the world wide Interweb is absolutely and positively true. Right? Hillary Clinton has killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. Donald Trump has felt up every woman from Maine to Montana. Both are conspiring to take away our guns, abolish the Constitution and turn us into cave-dwelling, evolution-denying, Luddites.

OK, that last part is true. But, the rest is total bullshit and recycling those stories doesn't make 'em smell any better. You can stop the train to Crazy Town by not liking, sharing or retweeting this crap. There's plenty of ignorance to go around. Don't be a donor.

This place looked a whole lot better before the election.

 
2. Facebook Never Convinced Anybody to Change Their Mind
I know you have strong convictions about your candidate. I get it. I really do. You're right. I'm wrong. And if I had any sense, I'd see the point you're using as a blunt object to beat me into seeing the light. Only problem is I DON'T CARE. Nobody cares.

Your opinions only make me long for the days when you posted nothing but cat videos. In the entire history of social media, there is no recorded instance of a Facebook post ever changing a mind. Do us a favor, OK? Go back to the cat videos and give the political rants a rest. Oh, and one more thing, for the love of the little baby Jesus, DON'T tag me in anything. Seriously, that shit's getting old.

The colors are much more vibrant in the afterlife.

3. We're All Going to Die
Regardless of the election's outcome, we're all shuffling slack-jawed toward the same inevitable conclusion. I don't care who you voted for - or why (see #2), the world will not end because the other candidate won. But, if you subscribe to #1 (above) then drag your freeze-dried rations into the bunker and get all 10 Cloverfield Lane on the outcome. I'll see you on the other side.

I'll be watching the world change right here on my new big screen TV.

4. Nothing Will Change
The day after the election will look strangely like the day of the election. The only difference will be that CNN and Fox News will have nothing to talk about. Somebody will win. Somebody will lose. And you'll go to work and eat dinner and watch cat videos and vent your feelings on Facebook - alienating at least half of your "friends".

Way back in the dark ages of 1971, a soothsayer named Pete Townshend predicted the outcome for 2016. He was right. And he put it to music...

 

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