Don't Try This At Home

5 Things Every Graduate Should Know

By Bob on May 8, 2017 2:29 AM

It's the time of year when Boomer parents everywhere sit for hours at graduation ceremonies. 

The perfect soundtrack for any commencement address

Rocket to Uranus-480.jpgWe all share the same bond: counting the seconds until OUR KID walks across the stage. It's Dante's Inferno in an air conditioned coliseum. 

Outside of watching your son or daughter grab that fake diploma (nobody gets the real diploma anymore, that is so 2002). The only thing that has even the slightest chance of keeping you awake is the COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS. 

Your parents have already re-purposed your room

Burning Down the House-600.jpgWe've heard the bad ones (DREAM BIG! - YOUR'E THE FUTURE!) and read about the great ones (the fake Kurt Vonnegut "wear sunscreen" address springs to mind). 

Forget that stuff. Everything you learned in the past four years is wrong. Here's some advice you can take to the bank:  

Keep a list of all who wronged you, so you can smite your enemies

Think you know all there is to know? Think again!


1. Keep the email addresses and phone numbers of your favorite professors. They'll come in handy when you (a) Job hunt (b) Change careers two years from now (c) Marry your first wife/husband/life partner/cousin (offer only good in Arkansas) or, (d) Are in a Mexican jail. 

2. Clean up your Facebook profile just in case you enter politics, become Miss California or run a billion dollar Ponzi scheme.

Yep, those old Facebook photos can make your first job interview pretty uncomfortable

Monkey & Date-532.jpg3. Get a new email address. Your current one: jaimelikestoparty@mail.com
isn't going to help when you complete that online job application.

Sure, it tasted good in college, but you should eat better now that you're an adult

Liver Loaf-500.jpg4. Learn to cook three things and get really good at preparing them. Try chicken spaghetti for example. Here's an easy recipe that'll amaze your mac-and-cheese-loving friends. You're welcome. 

5. Keep a list of all who wronged you, so you can smite your enemies in due time (Ooops, I inadvertently picked this up from my personal list).

There are some perks in working for the NRC

Mickey & Minnie & the Atomic Bomb-500.jpg

5. Tip at least 20%. 

Don't worry too much about your future. We started out just like you and survived. 

Some day you'll hand off this wonderful, screwed-up world to your son or daughter. And you'll have to sit through the same damn graduation ceremony. 

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