It's the time of year when Boomer parents everywhere sit for hours at graduation ceremonies.
Outside of watching your son or daughter grab that fake diploma (nobody gets the real diploma anymore, that is so 2002). The only thing that has even the slightest chance of keeping you awake is the COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS.
Forget that stuff. Everything you learned in the past four years is wrong. Here's some advice you can take to the bank:
1. Keep the email addresses and phone numbers of your favorite professors. They'll come in handy when you (a) Job hunt (b) Change careers two years from now (c) Marry your first wife/husband/life partner/cousin (offer only good in Arkansas) or, (d) Are in a Mexican jail.
2. Clean up your Facebook profile just in case you enter politics, become Miss California or run a billion dollar Ponzi scheme.
3. Get a new email address. Your current one: firstname.lastname@example.org
isn't going to help when you complete that online job application.
4. Learn to cook three things and get really good at preparing them. Try chicken spaghetti for example. Here's an easy recipe that'll amaze your mac-and-cheese-loving friends. You're welcome.
5. Keep a list of all who wronged you, so you can smite your enemies in due time (Ooops, I inadvertently picked this up from my personal list).
5. Tip at least 20%.
Don't worry too much about your future. We started out just like you and survived.
Some day you'll hand off this wonderful, screwed-up world to your son or daughter. And you'll have to sit through the same damn graduation ceremony.
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