Don't Try This At Home

Door of Death

By Bob on July 4, 2011 4:22 AM

We're remodeling Blogger HQ to take in some attic space and create a new home office. We've hired our favorite contractors Doug and Christine to tackle this job and basically turn our lives upside down for the next two months. Join us as we find out if remodelers and home owners can peacefully coexist and/or discover if it's OK to hide a body in a construction dumpster. 

 

Remodel Diary

Day 48

 

Since we began this remodeling project before the ice caps melted we've had a few "temporary" issues to deal with.

 

There was the "temporary" 8'x10' hole in the roof of our garage so the lumber package could be hauled up into the attic (yes internets, my package was so big we had to cut a hole in the ceiling to get it in...BaDaBoom!...Thank You, I'm here all week!).

 

Then, of course, they installed the "temporary" DEATH DOOR.

 

Never heard of the Death Door? I think it's a part of the Collywood City Code. You can't get a construction permit without having one on your plans. They fine you for that s***.

 

The Death Door isn't to be confused with the door to HELL. That's over at the Tarrant County DMV. I'm talking about the "temporary" 6'x8' door made out of ¼" plywood and reinforced two-by-fours that sealed up the opening to our new room.

 

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She whispered the words I can't resist, "Take out your power screwdriver and..."

 

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It's a good idea, really. You see, without the Death Door sealing off the opening to the new room, all of the air conditioned air would escape into the attic. So, each day the construction crew takes a power screwdriver (no joke needed here, it's just too easy) and removes the four wood screws that hold Death Door in place. Each night they screw it back in place.

 

This all worked great until Charlotte wanted to check on the remodeling project without Contractor Doug around. That's when she whispered the words I can't resist, "Will you take out your power screwdriver...". **Cole grabs brain bleach to erase these words from his memory**

 

MY FIRST mistake was getting home ahead of Charlotte and - thinking I'd take care of this BEFORE she asked me twice - unscrewed the door and leaned it against the opening. That's what any thoughtful husband would do, amirite?

 

The next thing I know, Charlotte's walking upstairs to see the project. I tell her the door is unscrewed from the wall and I'll slide it out of the way in Just. A. Minute. I'm about 10 steps behind her when I hear it.

 

"Craaaaaaaaaaaaaack....Squeakkkkkkkkkk....ARRRRggghhh...WHOOOMPH!"   

 

I come around the corner to see Charlotte -- down on one knee -- with the entire 6'x8' door on top of her, crushing her down to the floor. Think Charlotte sandwich, with her as the deli meat caught between a slice of plywood and a just-installed hardwood floor.

 

 Whiskey! Tango! Foxtrot!

 

Yeah, I could've stood there and laughed, but realizing this was NOT a Roadrunner cartoon, I lifted the DEATH DOOR off of her.

 

"You couldn't wait 10 seconds?" I asked. "Do you know how heavy this door is?"

 

"I DO NOW."

 

"DON'T. EVER. DO. THIS. AGAIN."

 

And that, internets, is when Charlotte suggested another use for my power screwdriver.

 

I'm hoping her mood is a little less temporary than some of the other things around here.

 

 

I'll keep you posted as we make our way to the Promise Land of Home Remodel Heaven. We're supposed to be finished June 7....June 28...July 8...who knows!? Stay tuned...

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