Don't Try This At Home

It's All Geek to Me

By Bob on December 12, 2011 6:43 AM

Just because you have a website, doesn't mean you're a computer genius.

 

Like most Boomers, I get asked technical, computer-type questions from my Dad from time to time. I'll admit that it's fun to diagnose and fix an easy tech problem and look like a freakin' ROCK STAR to an 86-year-old. But those opportunities are rare. 

 

My un-handyman ways are legendary. 

 

Yes, I had to have my car towed the one and only time I tried to change the oil (it was a Ford Pinto which could have exploded while I was underneath it, so I was really just trying to save my life). I've also voided more warranties than I can remember because I loathe reading instructions. 

 

So, when Charlotte asked me to take a look at her Toshiba laptop because the sound wasn't working, I leapt at the chance to jump into my superhero suit and perform a quick repair. I envisioned myself fixing it easily and then quickly exiting with an "Aw shucks Maam, tweren't nuthin'..." reply as I beat a hasty retreat back to my recliner and The History Channel. 

 

This brilliant move is what I call the "reverse doctor."  I simply treat the patient first and then take a history.

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I pulled out all the stops on my limited computer knowledge. I opened up the control panel and mouse-clicked my way through every diagnostic imaginable. No sound. I checked connections and plugs and ports and sound drivers and settings and players. No sound. 

 

Then, I had a brilliant idea.

 

Why not get Charlotte's history with this problem and see if I can diagnose it that way. This brilliant move is what I call the "reverse doctor." I simply treat the patient first and then take a history. It's my own special version of "Ready, FIRE, Aim." I didn't say I was proud of my methods, but it's made me the man I am today (10 pounds overweight and walking with a limp).

 

"When did you first notice the problem," I ask Charlotte in my best Dragnet voice. 

 

"Yesterday. I tried listening to Pandora and the sound was so low I could barely hear it."

 

"Did you do anything to fix the problem?"

 

"Yeah, I looked at the settings and connections and nothing worked."

 

"No sound?"

 

"No sound."

 

"Thank you Maam, that'll be all for now."

 

Now that Charlotte's succeeded in stumping even Joe Friday, I resort to searching the world wide intertube. Google is plenty of help. Soon, I have more than 200,000 answers to my query about no sound and Toshiba laptops. I emerge from the study with the solution.   

 

The polite Geek Squad guy does not pick up a broken laptop and beat her to death with it.  I'm impressed.

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"The sound card has gone out on your laptop," I tell her. "It's a pretty common problem with this model. I'll take it to Geek Squad at Best Buy and get it fixed tomorrow." This leaves Charlotte impressed with my knowledge of repair options, but it's not enough to merit my "Aw shucks Maam..." routine. I resolve to work on my delivery for next time.

 

The next day, I'm waiting in line at the Geek Squad help desk behind a woman with a small spiral notebook. She asks every possible question about a computer she's THINKING about buying. After 30 minutes, she decides to do more research before purchasing. The polite Geek Squad guy does not pick up a broken laptop and beat her to death with it. I'm impressed.

 

I place Charlotte's laptop in front of my Geek Squad guy and tell him my diagnosis. "Sound card," I say. "It needs a new sound card." "Hmmmm," he replies.

 

He right-mouse-clicks his way through the control panel and begins taking a patient history (he's obviously not a fan of my "reverse doctor" approach). I complete my patient history by saying, "It won't even play sound when you put a CD in it." After that declaration, the Geek Squad guy gently lifts the laptop off the counter and turns the volume wheel that's discretely located just below the keypad. He slides it to the left.

 

THE MUSIC IS SO LOUD IT SCARES THE GUY AT THE END OF THE LINE.

 

"So, I have one more question," I say. "Do I get the prize?" The Geek Squad guy appears puzzled. At last, I've stumped him.

 

"I don't know what you mean," he says. "The prize for being the dumbest customer you've waited on today."

 

"No sir, not a problem."  

 

I humbly ask how much I owe him for his patience, skill and computer wizardry. "Nothing, sir," he says as he slides Charlotte's laptop to me. "I just turned a wheel."

 

When I return with Charlotte's laptop back in mint condition, she asks me how I did it.

 

"Twern't nuthin' Maam," I tell her. 

 

I can't let the Geek Squad guys get ALL the girls.

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