Take 5 Steps to Reconnect
By Daniela Roher, Ph.D. and Susan E. Schwartz, Ph.D.
A romantic relationship is like a long journey in a car: sometimes, we travel straight, smooth roads. At other times, the roads become narrow and treacherous, filled with potholes, barriers and roadblocks. Our car may break down, causing us to think about leaving and going it alone. As we get older, some of us might overlook certain challenges while finding others more difficult to handle.
As a couple, how can you cope with life's unending detours? Here are five steps to help you navigate an ever-changing, obstacle-filled road:
1. Survey the road.
The road you've been traveling may be damaged from anger, frustration and disappointment. You may have been in the same relationship for a very long time but now find it difficult to remember how close you and your partner used to feel when together. Or, you are in a new relationship and feel overwhelmed by all the confusion that makes you wonder if you've just made another mistake.
Daniela Roher, Ph.D.
But as you survey your surroundings, are you absolutely sure there's nothing positive left? Look at your partner as a whole person -- not as the person from your last argument or fight. Think about the good times you've had and the qualities you still like. Then use these positives as fuel to make the first move.
Reach out to your partner with your body language: make eye contact, relax, uncross your arms and perhaps even smile. Have a pleasant conversation. Make small gestures that show you still care, and that you want to make a commitment to move forward together. Be the one willing to take the first step.
Step 2: Unearth what's causing the damage.
Most issues in relationships aren't caused by the relationship itself - they're caused by hidden emotions and unconscious ties to the past. No matter how old we are, if we have not addressed som
e issues from our past, these will continue to burden us because they're unresolved.
Susan E. Schwartz, Ph.D.
Don't feel ashamed because you're still struggling at an age when you thought you would have everything worked out... Nobody does.
Our views of love and relationships start in childhood and stick to us like an ever-present shadow, following us from one relationship to the next. By exploring these shadow emotions, through self-reflection and by paying attention to the messages from your unconscious, you'll be able to identify the true source of your problems -- and move from blaming your partner to communicating and talking about the issues instead.
Step 3: Unpack and sort your baggage.
Once you're able to identify the emotional baggage you've been carrying, you'll see that it's time to leave some of it behind. This is the time to sort through the memories, hurts, feelings, conflicts, wishes and fantasies of "what could have been." The older we are, the more experiences and memories we will have accumulated that may interfere with our being in the present and our ability to enjoy and appreciate what we have NOW.
This process involves several stages, from feeling depressed and lonely; to feeling betrayed, angry and overwhelmed; to slowly reorganizing views of yourself, your partner and your relationship; and then integrating these views into a new view of the two of you, together.
Step 4: Rebuild trust for the journey ahead.
To weather the rest of your journey together, you and your partner need to become emotionally available to each other again.
When your partner shares what he or she is feeling, respond with empathy. Feel what your partner is feeling. Confirm that you feel the same way or can understand your partner's emotions. Talk about how to deal with similar situations in the future, and follow up at a later time to make sure your partner is still in a good place -- and that nothing needs further exploration.
By repairing problems as they surface, you and your partner will learn how to become emotionally available to each other again.
Step 5: Access the emotions that fuel your relationship.
Intimacy is at the heart of every relationship, so you need to foster actions that bring the two of you closer together. Spend time being intimate physically (by touching or expressing affection), philosophically (by talking about your life purpose, shared values and goals), and socially (by fostering ties with your family, community or the world at large).
A successful relationship also balances intimacy with the need to be your own person. One way to achieve this is to talk about your lives: including your life together and your individual lives before you met. This will reinforce what each of you brings to the relationship, both as a couple and individually. And, above all, let your partner know how important he or she is, and 
that you appreciate all that your partner does for you. Make your partner feel special by leaving a love note, sending flowers or just by calling to say "Hi."
While you are doing all this, remember survey after survey shows that people in their 50s and 60s typically score the highest in satisfaction, happiness and quality of life. So, don't get discouraged Boomers. Get to work!
* * *
Dr. Daniela Roher is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist with nearly 40 years in a career that has spanned three countries and two continents. Dr. Susan E. Schwartz is a Jungian analyst trained at the C.G. Jung Institute, who lectures worldwide. Together, they have co-authored the new book, Couples at the Crossroads: Five Steps to Finding Your Way Back to Love (January 2012). To learn more, visit CouplesAtTheCrossroads.com.
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Prepare your own Mexican quick fix with this Chipotle-inspired bowl. Carbs are moderated by filling the bowl with beans, extra veggies and chicken. No need for rice, since the beans count as carbs.
Tips:
If you love tomatoes, increase the quantity to 1/2 cup, but note that the carbohydrates will also increase.
If preparing this recipe for one person, cut all of the ingredients in half. Or simply prepare the full recipe up to the end of step 2 and store leftover chicken and vegetable-bean mixture in separate airtight containers in the refrigerator for up to 2 days. Reheat in the microwave on High for 1 to 2 minutes, or until heated through, and continue with step 3.
Health Bite: The iron, calcium, magnesium, manganese, copper and zinc in black beans help to keep bones strong and healthy.
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