One of the things that suck are great about reaching a "certain age" is getting to do all the fun procedures that come along with it. What kind of procedures you might ask? I dunno, really cool stuff like colonoscopies...yeah they're a blast.
And by blast, I mean the fact that the prep turns your pooper into a cannon worthy of WMD status. How is it that we put Neil Armstrong on the moon in 1969, but still haven't figured out a better way to clean a colon **shakes fist at computer monitor**.
Sorry, the 13-year-old in me is still laughing at being able to say "poop" on the World Wide Web. I'll be back in a minute.
About two weeks ago I decided to do one of those "elective" procedures, because my eyesight had gotten to the point where I didn't really see things. I just wandered around our house like a drunken version of Roomba and bounced off immovable objects. Sometimes Charlotte was one of those objects and she was starting to complain.
So...I called up the local laser eye specialist and scheduled an appointment to get me some LASER EYES. The nice folks explained the procedure and assured me the only pain I'd feel was the money being sucked from my HSA MasterCard. SPOILER ALERT: That part IS painful and they do not give you a Valium before they run your card even if you ask nicely.
Laser eye surgery is a pretty common procedure these days and I'd put it off as long as I could. From the patient point of view, the surgery is simple.
The surgeon takes your money (remember, this is WITHOUT applying Valium); they put you in a blue mesh cap that reminds you of your grade school cafeteria; and blue mesh "booties" (nobody knows why).
Then they sterilize your lids. This sounded to me like I was either going to get some of that super great medical marijuana from Colorado, or I'd enjoy something I once saw advertised in Las Vegas. ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT: Neither of these happened.
Instead, the nurse wiped my eyelids down with cleansing solution. But you know the best part? When I'd been sterilized, the nurse said these words, "I'd like you to take your Valium now." And you know what Internets? I DID.
Then to make sure the drug has time to work, you wait for about an hour, or until you're laughing so hard at the HGTV episode on the lobby television that an orderly takes you back to the surgical suite.
You lay flat of your back and they treat your eyes to a light show I remember seeing in 1973 at the Armadillo World Headquarters. Here's a re-creation of what I saw:
Hey, hey we're the Monkees...no, seriously
The procedure takes about 10 minutes and you're sent home with this prescription (sadly, no more valium) for the rest of the day:
So, did it work?
Well, my vision isn't quite where I want it to be, but my eyesight is much better and continues to improve. I don't run into walls or bump into Charlotte anymore. But for the life of me, I CAN'T get this song out of my head.
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Prepare your own Mexican quick fix with this Chipotle-inspired bowl. Carbs are moderated by filling the bowl with beans, extra veggies and chicken. No need for rice, since the beans count as carbs.
Tips:
If you love tomatoes, increase the quantity to 1/2 cup, but note that the carbohydrates will also increase.
If preparing this recipe for one person, cut all of the ingredients in half. Or simply prepare the full recipe up to the end of step 2 and store leftover chicken and vegetable-bean mixture in separate airtight containers in the refrigerator for up to 2 days. Reheat in the microwave on High for 1 to 2 minutes, or until heated through, and continue with step 3.
Health Bite: The iron, calcium, magnesium, manganese, copper and zinc in black beans help to keep bones strong and healthy.
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