Don't Try This At Home

5 Things I Never Want to See on Social Media

By Bob on June 12, 2016 12:42 PM

Now that the Democrats and Republicans have selected their presidential candidates I've decided to come out of my foxhole. I'm telling you guys, from what I could see looking over this mound of dirt ...it's been BRUTAL out there. 

I'll just go on and say what we're all thinking. 

Some of you people are bat shit crazy.

I think this new media device called the interweb may just catch on

Thank GOD we've got social media to sort all this out. If it wasn't for the internet, I wouldn't have an opinion. 

According to all of you I'm a blank slate (and BTW how did you get my Tarleton transcript? Guess it's time to reset my password from password to 1234). Thank you from the bottom of my ignorant heart, for telling me HOW to vote...WHEN to vote...WHO to vote for...and most importantly, WHICH of the candidates were baby-killing Satanists. 

THAT was a HUGE help. 

We have about five months until the election that will determine our collective fate, or just bring us four more years of the same crap. Me? I'm good either way. 

I know many of you care about who occupies 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., you really, really, do.

I voted for him, because he was a friend of mine

But it doesn't stop there.

 

I'm sure it's the best thing to hit America since Vitameatavegamin

A lot of you post tons of horseshit interesting information on Twitter, Facebook, Linked In and Instagram that I don't need to know. Or WANT to know. So, do us all a favor and quit wasting your time giving us your political views, moral diatribes and multi-level marketing schemes. 

Here, lemme break it down for you. 

5 Things I Never Want to See on Social Media

 Here's the candidate of the squirrel party...admittedly, a little nuts

1. Politics
I know you're disappointed/elated/suicidal/moving to Europe because of the election results. Believe me, it's not MY fault your candidate won or lost. You know why? I won't tell you. And you know why I won't tell you? I voted using the SECRET BALLOT. What part of SECRET are you people having a hard time understanding?

We attend the church of the Mexican Hat - please give us a tax-free donation to help us build our wall

2. Religion
OK, I get it. YOU'RE going to HEAVEN and I'm going to HELL. You'll always pray more, praise more, pledge more, and sacrifice more animals/virgins/delicious Taco Bell Gordita Crunch-Wrap Supremes than me. Congratulations! Contest over. You WIN. Worried about my tortured soul? Don't be. I've got two words for you: SILENT PRAYER. It's a great concept. Try it on for size and see if it fits.

Now in test marketing

3. Multi-Level Marketing
I'm sure your juicer/kitchen gadget/drink mix/jewelry/weight loss formula is the best thing to hit America since Vitameatavegamin. I'm also sure that if your product was as wonderful as you say it is I could buy it without enduring a 90-minute in-home demonstration or attending a conference. Why? Because it'd be available online or in a real store. What you're in is called a cult. Google it. These don't usually end well.

I always put mine on before playing any game

4. Games
Online games - like Vegas - are designed to make the people on the other side of the table/screen/bar money. Are you on the other side of the table/screen/bar? Didn't think so. Guess what? You lose! Thanks for playing, please give us your credit card and spin again.

So then Velma says that Aquanet is killing the Ozone Layer...who the hell cares?

5. Over-Sharing
I am truly sorry/happy you have diarrhea/constipation/shingles or that your son/daughter/wife/husband/spinster aunt just won the Grand Prize in the Guess How Many Jellybeans Are In The Jar Contest. You want to brag about it? OK, here's the deal. Put it in your 5-page Christmas Letter. I won't read that either. 

Now, if y'all will excuse me, I've got to post this on Facebook. 

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